The Things They Don’t Tell You Pre Kids Ok, so I know this may come as a shock to some and a little late for others. But as a Mum, there is a list of things I have noticed that no one told me pre-kids. I heard all the gooey positive things about having kids, but there were some areas that I clearly had the rose coloured glasses on. Now, I’m thinking there could be a couple of reasons for that. It’s either a conspiracy of society that we can’t divulge the truth about life with kids because no one would actually have any. Hence the population would die a slow death. Or, no one actually wants to admit there are aspects that are hard. Like really hard. Or admit they may have failed as a parent or questioned their whole being. Washing will no longer be a sporadic thing you do on the weekends. You will be washing every.single.day. There will be clothes that are so putrid you need to soak them for weeks. Then you will be washing clothes that have literally been worn for 30 seconds. And to top off the fun and games, you will be washing clothes that are on the brink of falling apart because it’s their favourite and can’t be replaced. Trust me, you do not want to be there for that conversation! Ditch the white shirts, you won’t be needing them. White is like a red rag to a bull. Whenever it is within the vicinity of your child or food, it will end up dirty. If you do manage to keep said white shirt clean for the day, it will end up pink because little Johnny decided to wash his new red Paw Patrol socks with your white load. They love helping out like that. You can upset a toddler by giving them the wrong coloured cup. This is fact. I once tried to give my son a plain red cup instead of his blue Iggle Piggle cup and I thought the neighbours were going to call the cops! The tantrum and tears were unbelievable and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Note to self, laughing does not help the situation. You will learn who Iggle Piggle is. Children’s cartoons are questionable at best. Whoever thought up In The Night Garden were clearly on something good. I am still at a loss how characters called Iggle Piggle, Upsy Daisy and Makka Pakka can be so entertaining. But, alas I’m the one sitting there watching it, so who’s the idiot! Don’t even get me started on the Teletubbies. You will get your pre baby body back. Um, no this is not entirely true. You may be one of the lucky ones and look ok in your pre baby jeans, but your body will never be the same. Oh, and those photos of Kim Kardashian, Beyonce and co, it’s not like that at all. No one has time for make up let alone floral arches and satin sheets. But you know what – it doesn’t matter! Embrace your body – it nurtured your baby! Ignore the milestones. Everyone’s kid is the best and everyone else’s kid did it before yours. Not true!! What I’ve learned is each child is different and will do things at different times. Those who tell you their child was toilet trained at 9 months and writing their name at 13 months is exaggerating. If you can get your kids toilet trained before Kinder you’re on a winner! Toilet training was someone’s bad joke. There are plenty of books on the subject and you will need pretty much most of them. This is something that does not come naturally and you will be cleaning up poop and wee from the most ridiculous places. Oh, and that white rug you have on the lounge room floor… you won’t be needing that for a while. It gets easier the more kids you have. No. You just have more washing, more dishes, more fights and more years of all of the above. How we doing so far? Have I missed any off the list? Please let us know what you wish you knew before you had kids and help a new mumma out. In all seriousness, I love my kids and I love being a Mum. But there are definitely days that are more challenging than others! Here’s to you mumma!